Scatter Brain

So... I've been thinking about enrolling for a one year course at a nearby college. (I won't say what course it is - don't wana jinx it), it's literally something that occurred to me while I was browsing the net and I decided to just apply for the course. I mean, I've always believed it's great to have skills in many different spheres, AND I'd love a new way to explore my creative streak (if I might say so myself). It's exciting to embark on something new.

Then. I quickly decided to tell my significant other about my new embarkment. Here's how the conversation went...

ME: Hey babe, I think I want to enroll for a 

                               course. Lol

HIM: Erh... ok. You've decided that after one day? Smh

ME: Well, yes, I'm looking into it.

HIM: Lol, ok. I think I should have a chat with your boss. You have too much time on your hands!

ME: Really now?!? Whose side are you on?

HIM: I'm craving pizza.

So in a nutshell, my boyfriend didn't take me seriously. Now I've decided I really want to do this. Besides, I'll be paying for myself and attending Saturday classes. + I'm not going to tell anyone about it (well, unless they read the blog - but technically I didn't say what exactly it is that I'm doing - so I'm safe). Okay, I just had a one man conversation. Sigh. 

PS: Are the spinning circles distracting you????? Hahaha, welcome to my world. Whenever I try to do something, there's always something distracting me.

And on a lighter note: I'm concurrently reading 3 books. Depending on my mood.

1) E L James : 50 Shades Darker. Yeah, I'm actually reading the sequel, but I must say, it's become  quite dry, all Mr Grey and Ana ever do... is each other! I'd like the story to develop, it has so much potential. 

2) George R. R. Martin : A Game of Thrones. Following my impatience for the next season, I decided to start reading the books.

3) Gillian Flynn : Dark Places. If you watched the movie, Gone Girl, same author, darker story line and 10 times creepier!!! 

A Lesson Learnt

Since I started looking after myself, I'll admit - I was very naive about life. I didn't realise having to think of rent, food, transport, clothes, accounts, work and relationships would be this frustrating.

You just take everything for granted when it's given to you on a silver platter, but then again. I've discovered so many things about myself during this period. Some good, some not so... erh.. good. (Changes subject quickly)

One thing that's stuck out to me though, is my mom's attitude towards me these past few months. She's a very principled and very traditional woman. I respect her so much for that. However it makes her rigid and unaccepting of change. For example, it's culturally wrong for a daughter to move out of her mother's house before she's married. Exhibit A: ME! - Moves out at the age of 21 (with absolutely no plans of a mere engagement). So naturally, she is against my moving out. I understand that. Any mother would find it difficult to let their babies free into the cold, cruel world! However, it's been two years now. Our relationship has even developed astoundingly. (Or maybe that's just on my side). Once in a while, I ask her for something, it may be an item of clothing, or a handbag, and most recently, she bought a new washing machine and offered me the old one (which is already 2.5 years old). There's always one catch: I should pay her for anything I ask for!
yes - seriously!
Her response is always: you work now. Which is true, but by living by myself, I pay for everything anyway! I don't understand why she finds it so hard to support me, willingly, without me paying her.

The other weekend, we went to the mall, and she decided to get Burger King for her and my sister. Then she said,"You work, so I don;t have to buy you food right?" I nodded. "No hard feelings?" she added, and I nodded again. It's just at the point where even food is something she needs to use to prove a point. I've tried looking at it from different perspectives.Perhaps she doesn't think I'm ready to be looking after myself so she's trying to show me that nothing in life is easy, or free.

Bottom line: I get a reality check every day from life itself. I don't need it from my mom too...

'Til Divorce Do Us Part...

Marriage is funny, really, there you were: single (Life was simple). Then you meet some stranger, love them, marry them, then they become your other half! That's the easy part apparently. So for someone whose witnessed a failed marriage first hand, and knowing that 80% of the married people I know are unhappy, I can attest that marriage isn't as binding as the vows make it seem. Or so I thought...

The divorce rate has steadily increased exponentially over the years. Some say women are just becoming too big for their own boots, trying to wear the pants in their relationships. Maybe. However I think women have just come to realise that they don't have to put up with the bullshit that men give us! I digress. That's another story (open for debate).
My point is, I've always believed that I should acquire my own assets before I get married. It's something my mother has always told me and it makes sense - financially. I had it all figured out, buy a house by the time I'm 25, and invest in whatever I can. So far so good.
Then when (if) I get married - I will get married out of community of property. My assets will be used to benefit both my husband and I, but I will have made provision to protect myself should anything happen. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Well, it recently came to my attention, that I've gone about this the WRONG way. As a Christian, I should not go into marriage prepared for a divorce. That contradicts the entire purpose of marriage in the first place. God hates divorce! (Yes, that's actually a quote from the Bible.) Moreover, it's wrong to get married out of community of property, whatever you had acquired prior to marriage should become your children's assets, and belong to both husband and wife.
I have been told to pray about removing the spirit of divorce from my life, and that if I rebuke it, it will not manifest in my life. I should go in a marriage with the mindset that I will stay in it no matter what. With prayer and faith, there will be no need to protect myself with material things. Powerful.
I had never looked at it from that perspective.

Needless to say, being a Christian gets harder everyday. It's funny that I thought I had everything figured out, but God keeps showing me, that my plans exclude him, and I need to grow my faith in order to truly experience his infinite Glory and favour.

Jumping the gun!

Do you ever feel like there's more to life? Not to be controversial, or make myself seem like I'm better than anyone else, but I often think, I can do better and be better than what I am today. Right now, I am not the best Yolanda I could've been. Yes, probably due to all the bad decisions I've made, but all I can do now, is pick myself up and move on in the right direction.
I've just started a new job. I'm a credit controller for a property management company. It's been two weeks, and I can honestly say, I can see myself growing here...

My previous job - I was a junior accountant for 11 months. After being there for 3 months, I was bored. Doing the same thing over and over is just not for me. There was no challenge. I told my mom about it, and she told me to be patient. Another 3 months later, nothing had changed. It only got worse. My performance and growth was directly proportional to that of my senior. I was told, I could only do more complex work, attain more responsibility and get a salary increase ONLY if my senior increased revenue for the company. It made me hate my job. I was stuck. How long would it take to wait for someone else to decide I needed to grow? It was then that I started looking for another job.

I explained the situation to my (very opinionated) uncle. His response was, "That's life and that's what the work environment is like. We don't always get what we want. Do you think we all enjoy going to work everyday? That's the problem with your generation! You have a sense of entitlement. You think everything should just be easy, but you're not willing to work hard for it!"
So.... that conversation wasn't leading anywhere productive. I hate being given a response that is of a generalized nature, when I'm talking about a personal issue. I thought about what he said. I tried to be objective, but I realized, I'm young, and there's no point tying myself to a company that doesn't give me the value that I know I'm worth. More over: I'm a lion. Not a sheep in the herd. It's not fulfilling for me to have my growth and success be dictated by someone else.

The worst was when they were looking for a new junior accountant. The salary offer was R500 less than mine. R500!!! Are they really saying the value that a new person would bring only has a R500 difference with the 10 months of experience and value that I added there?
It made me sick. I worked really hard and felt so unappreciated. I went to two unsuccessful interviews. Then finally. By the Grace of God, I received a job offer.

I knocked at my Boss' door, and he signaled at me to come in.
"What can I do for you Yolanda?"
 "I received a job offer, and I want to take it. How do you feel about that?"
"Well, we all have our own agendas in life, and if what we're offering you here is not in line with what you want, then I can't keep you here. It's just that you are not patient Yolanda."

His response aggravated me, but kept me unresponsive at the same time. It was easy for him to say that. He didn't know how it felt to struggle to make ends meet every month. Or getting to work without knowing how I'd get home that very day. It was stressful. Going through a hard time whilst having a clear plan is motivating. As opposed to struggling with no end in sight. Nevermind that patience has never been one of my virtues - I just reached a point where I decided I was too young to be unhappy with my job. Something had to give. My mom thinks I made a mistake. She says, I was at a well established company and she agrees that I should've been patient. She could be right. Maybe I did jump the gun, but right now - things are looking up and that's all that matters.

Love is strange...

Okay so I know I'm going to sound really cheesy and boring but loving someone is such a weird phenomenon.

It makes you happy, it gets you excited, it makes you smile until your jaws hurt, it makes you glance at your phone every 5 seconds, it makes you stay up all night: thinking, it makes you try new things, it makes u want to be a better person, it gives you hope, it makes you passionate,it makes you cautious, it makes you irrational,it makes your heart ache, it makes you jealous, it makes you envious, it makes you question everything you believe, it makes you feel like you're nothing, it makes you hurt, it makes you cry,it makes you paranoid, it makes you psycho, it makes you scream, it makes you want to pack everything up and move to another continent. It makes you feel things and reach into the corners of your soul that you never knew you had. THEN, you start the cycle all over again, and hope it won't end the same way it did the first time. See! A strange phenomenon indeed...

A Little Goes A Long Way

Okay, so I know it's been a while. Too much has happened this year. I've moved 5 times. (Yes, 5 times!!), and no, I'm not a nomad, although I'm starting to feel like one. It's a funny story really. There's always something wrong, either the rent goes up alarmingly, just a month after I've moved in, or the housemate discloses that I can't have people over (after I've paid and moved in), or I realize that transport to work is difficult to get, or that the place is ugly. LOL. Okay maybe that last excuse isn't really a good one, but trust me, it had to be done.
I moved into a cute apartment about a week ago (no reference to the Bobby Shmurda song). I love the place. Near mom's house, near 2 malls, near my boyfriend, near my friends, affordable and close to work. It's perfect! BUT, my so-called housemate ditched me 4 days before we were due to move in. So long story short - only half my rent is paid. I'm really stressed out. Worried the owner will ask me to move out if I don't get someone to move in ASAP!!

Anyway, on a totally different topic, my faith is blossoming into something quite beautiful. (If I might say so myself). I used to be one of those people, who didn't really believe in God. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to believe, but I needed proof. I needed to experience this "Awesome God" that people speak of - In my own convincing way that I couldn't explain to anyone else.
Sure enough, I started attending a Bible study group, and to my dismay, I learnt (and I'm still learning) all the things I've been going about the wrong way. I've been trying to change these things about myself, and I must say, it's not easy.  However, I've discovered it's my day to day choices that allow my spirit to grow. I've never been good at praying either, but that has also developed in the past few months. I often look at those Christians who attend every church gathering, pray twice a day (everyday) and say things like, "Have a blessed day!" And I think to myself, I'm not ready for that. I still want to drink and party and have not-so-Christian-like fun, lol, (okay that part makes sense to me.) It just seems like a thin line. You get the extreme church goers, then the ones who only remember they're Christian on Sunday at 10am. So where exactly am I?
In the past few months, good things have happened when I've made commitments to God. He's giving me proof that he's there. I can't explain how, but I now believe he's there. The more I see how easy it is to be in line with his mercy and favour. I find myself wanting more of it, but at the same time, I still want to do the things that tear me away from him. It's hard. Very hard.


Why isn't it easy to be a good Christian? Surely this is why most people fall off the path. And am I the only one who struggles to read the Bible? I find it hard to even remember verses, but I can memorize  all the words in a rap song. It's strange.
My motto now is to drop one sin at a time. It's easier that way. I don't really think there's a true formula to being more like Jesus, but this is the best way I know how...

Ubuntu is a myth

Having been a foreigner in South Africa my entire life, Xenophobia is no new concept to me. I've always experienced it, be  it from fellow classmates, teachers or the Zulu taxi driver who expects you to speak Zulu because you're in his taxi.

You would think, that after Apartheid, black people would know how it feels to have someone force their language on them. Instead, every second person you meet, is asking why you don't speak a South African vernacular language. Does it ever occur to any of them, that I have no interest in learning their languages, and that I have my own native language and culture to deal with. Why do people feel that I should speak their language just because I'm in their country? I'm suddenly judged, and told that I think I'm white because I choose to communicate in English.

It's not just black people... Majority of my colleagues are Afrikaans. I'll initiate a conversation with one of them, and it will be entertaining for everyone, until one responds in Afrikaans, and suddenly, people "forget" that I don't understand Afrikaans. That's normally my cue to exit the conversation and return to my work. I've stopped bothering to ask them to translate. I figured, if they want me to be part of the conversation, they will speak in English.

It gets to me sometimes. The MD will call a board meeting, and a question that needs deliberation will be raised... then BAM... people are speaking in Afrikaans! Why call me into the meeting at all? I instantly pull out a diary and proceed with my armature caricature drawings of each of them. The worst is when one of them has the audacity to ask me why I don't learn Afrikaans.
My mental response, is that hundreds of children were killed by Afrikaner's when they marched against being taught in Afrikaans. It is therefore, because of them, that I have the right to  decide if I want to speak or learn the language of oppression!

In light of the recent Xenophobic events that have taken place in Durban and in Johannesburg, the behavior of these South Africans doesn't shock me. They seek comfort from blaming foreigners for their circumstances. Mob psychology is also a huge contributing factor in these communities. They fool themselves into thinking they have an effective formula for justice, when in reality, they are all accomplices of criminal behavior.

There seems to be a notion, that Xenophobia is only exercised by uneducated, poverty stricken people, however, from my own experiences, I can deduce that even the most educated people say and do things that indicate they'd prefer an environment that excluded foreigners. You see this behavior mostly in the work an environment. When a foreigner gets the job, or the promotion, we are suddenly hated. Forgetting that we had an equal chance to attain the opportunity.

I applaud all the international companies that have temporarily or permanently ceased all business operations with South Africans. It is time for the world to show South Africa that it is not an island. Perhaps this will educate them of the importance of foreigners for the South African economy, and help them acquire respect for other people who are not their own.

Stranger on my own blog???

Okay, I'll be the first to say it's been almost a year since my last post *face palm enfused with shocked face* I guess I just got a little busy. Okay I'm lying. No one is that busy! So I guess I owe you guys a very updated, erh, update...

1. Since I graduated... it's been a rough year. In March, I hosted an event at an upmarket club in Rosebank.I tell you it's harder than it looks. However there's more to that story- I planned the entire event with 3 other guys for 2 months. Then a week before the event, one of the guys demanded 35% of the profits or he'd pull out. I told him where to get off, and as expected, he bailed.(He's still sour about it) Then he decided he wanted me to pay him for coming up with the name "Frivolous Fridays" and for designing the flyer. I refused to part with a cent. Ended up having to change the whole concept and flyers 3 days before the event. It wasn't a flop, but it wasn't an epic success either! I managed to break even. Paid the Djs, and other parties involved, and had a meesly R500 left. After all that effort!! Club owner was impressed and wanted me to plan another event. I agreed, then realised it was a bad idea. So yes, there was never a second event.

2. I moved out of my mom's house. I must say, freedom is SCHWEEEEET! Nobody giving you curphews, nobody giving you funny looks when you get home at an odd hour and best of all, not having to ask for permission and explain yourself when random plans pop up. I can get home and get straight into bed, then wake up at 2am and make a sandwich, *sigh* it's an awesome feeling. It was good while it lasted, cause I actually moved back to her house about a week ago. (No reference to the Bobby Shurda song) The short of it - being an adult is hard. Tried it for a year. Constantly having to worry about rent, food, transport etc. is super stressful. Maybe I should just enjoy being a kid while I stilll can... or NOT! I was told to contribute a portion of my salary to houseold stuff.

3. I GOT A JOB!!! Nothing too glamourous, and no, I don't earn a 5 digit paycheck, but it's a start. It's a financial services company headed by my boss, whose not in his mid-forties. I'm his PA, turns out you can be the MD of an accounting firm before you're 30. He inspires me. I guess I have another 8 years to totally transform myself. *Looks in mirror* - probably not! But... on a serious note, I'm looking forward to gaining the experience I need.

4. I got over my ex and moved on!!! (YEY ME!) It all happened very quickly- (by quickly, I mean a week) Initially I thought he'd be a rebound. Not to mention he had a girlfriend when I met him. (No I didn't break them up) The way we met was funny, but I can't share that part with you. Anyway, I've been with him for 6 months now, and I must say, he's amazing. (I guess they all are after 6 months), but really, dating him has made me realise the things I missed out on with my ex. Not that I'm comparing them. Never that! but, there are a lot of things I compromised with my ex, small things, things that made me happy. Like celebrating Valentines day, or going on double dates with my bestie, or random romantic messages, and most importantly, hearing "I love you". As cheesy as it sounds, you don't realise how significant those small things are, until you date someone who doesn't do them.

5. I had a business idea that failed. It was an awesome idea. Everyone will agree there, but I kept doubting myself and procrastinating. In the end, when I decided to follow through with it, it was too late. I had missed the tender submission deadline by A DAY! I guess I sometimes have trouble believing in myself and my own capabilities and I just have this wild idea that I'm not the kind of person who waits on one paycheck every month. I feel like I have more to offer the world and myself. So yes, I have a new idea, but it needs a team of people who are willing to believe in me and take me on as a project!!! All I have to do now: is find those people...

6. Being a Christian has taken a new turn for me. Going to Bible study cell groups has totally changed my perspective on my religion. For the first time, I genuinely want to grow in faith and become a devout Christian who leads a straight Christian lifestyle. I'd love to learn verses and quote them word for word- but my brain wasn't built for that. However, being a Christian is far harder than I thought it would be. I find myself opting for sins of the flesh, than "fruits of the spirit". I'd still rather go to a party than go to church- so I guess I'm still off track. I have no doubt that there have been some scenarios in the last few months which I believe were miracles, but I'm sure some would bet it was pure coincidence. My journey is far from it's end, and I'll strive to practise the WWJD phenomenon. I'm proud to say, I've returned to my duties of being a sunday school teacher!! It's fun to have kids for 2 hours once a week! (but everyday? I don't know how parents do it)

7. Friendships are hard to nurture when you work AND live at home. I sometimes find myself feeling like I don't have enough friends, but whenever I try to reach out to them, they're also busy. So I guess I'm not the only one. It's just very difficult to balance, romance, family and a social life (and a curphew). I just hope I'll master the art soon.

That's basically it. A 7-point round up of my life at this very moment. Interesting, isn't it?