Jumping the gun!

Do you ever feel like there's more to life? Not to be controversial, or make myself seem like I'm better than anyone else, but I often think, I can do better and be better than what I am today. Right now, I am not the best Yolanda I could've been. Yes, probably due to all the bad decisions I've made, but all I can do now, is pick myself up and move on in the right direction.
I've just started a new job. I'm a credit controller for a property management company. It's been two weeks, and I can honestly say, I can see myself growing here...

My previous job - I was a junior accountant for 11 months. After being there for 3 months, I was bored. Doing the same thing over and over is just not for me. There was no challenge. I told my mom about it, and she told me to be patient. Another 3 months later, nothing had changed. It only got worse. My performance and growth was directly proportional to that of my senior. I was told, I could only do more complex work, attain more responsibility and get a salary increase ONLY if my senior increased revenue for the company. It made me hate my job. I was stuck. How long would it take to wait for someone else to decide I needed to grow? It was then that I started looking for another job.

I explained the situation to my (very opinionated) uncle. His response was, "That's life and that's what the work environment is like. We don't always get what we want. Do you think we all enjoy going to work everyday? That's the problem with your generation! You have a sense of entitlement. You think everything should just be easy, but you're not willing to work hard for it!"
So.... that conversation wasn't leading anywhere productive. I hate being given a response that is of a generalized nature, when I'm talking about a personal issue. I thought about what he said. I tried to be objective, but I realized, I'm young, and there's no point tying myself to a company that doesn't give me the value that I know I'm worth. More over: I'm a lion. Not a sheep in the herd. It's not fulfilling for me to have my growth and success be dictated by someone else.

The worst was when they were looking for a new junior accountant. The salary offer was R500 less than mine. R500!!! Are they really saying the value that a new person would bring only has a R500 difference with the 10 months of experience and value that I added there?
It made me sick. I worked really hard and felt so unappreciated. I went to two unsuccessful interviews. Then finally. By the Grace of God, I received a job offer.

I knocked at my Boss' door, and he signaled at me to come in.
"What can I do for you Yolanda?"
 "I received a job offer, and I want to take it. How do you feel about that?"
"Well, we all have our own agendas in life, and if what we're offering you here is not in line with what you want, then I can't keep you here. It's just that you are not patient Yolanda."

His response aggravated me, but kept me unresponsive at the same time. It was easy for him to say that. He didn't know how it felt to struggle to make ends meet every month. Or getting to work without knowing how I'd get home that very day. It was stressful. Going through a hard time whilst having a clear plan is motivating. As opposed to struggling with no end in sight. Nevermind that patience has never been one of my virtues - I just reached a point where I decided I was too young to be unhappy with my job. Something had to give. My mom thinks I made a mistake. She says, I was at a well established company and she agrees that I should've been patient. She could be right. Maybe I did jump the gun, but right now - things are looking up and that's all that matters.

Love is strange...

Okay so I know I'm going to sound really cheesy and boring but loving someone is such a weird phenomenon.

It makes you happy, it gets you excited, it makes you smile until your jaws hurt, it makes you glance at your phone every 5 seconds, it makes you stay up all night: thinking, it makes you try new things, it makes u want to be a better person, it gives you hope, it makes you passionate,it makes you cautious, it makes you irrational,it makes your heart ache, it makes you jealous, it makes you envious, it makes you question everything you believe, it makes you feel like you're nothing, it makes you hurt, it makes you cry,it makes you paranoid, it makes you psycho, it makes you scream, it makes you want to pack everything up and move to another continent. It makes you feel things and reach into the corners of your soul that you never knew you had. THEN, you start the cycle all over again, and hope it won't end the same way it did the first time. See! A strange phenomenon indeed...

A Little Goes A Long Way

Okay, so I know it's been a while. Too much has happened this year. I've moved 5 times. (Yes, 5 times!!), and no, I'm not a nomad, although I'm starting to feel like one. It's a funny story really. There's always something wrong, either the rent goes up alarmingly, just a month after I've moved in, or the housemate discloses that I can't have people over (after I've paid and moved in), or I realize that transport to work is difficult to get, or that the place is ugly. LOL. Okay maybe that last excuse isn't really a good one, but trust me, it had to be done.
I moved into a cute apartment about a week ago (no reference to the Bobby Shmurda song). I love the place. Near mom's house, near 2 malls, near my boyfriend, near my friends, affordable and close to work. It's perfect! BUT, my so-called housemate ditched me 4 days before we were due to move in. So long story short - only half my rent is paid. I'm really stressed out. Worried the owner will ask me to move out if I don't get someone to move in ASAP!!

Anyway, on a totally different topic, my faith is blossoming into something quite beautiful. (If I might say so myself). I used to be one of those people, who didn't really believe in God. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to believe, but I needed proof. I needed to experience this "Awesome God" that people speak of - In my own convincing way that I couldn't explain to anyone else.
Sure enough, I started attending a Bible study group, and to my dismay, I learnt (and I'm still learning) all the things I've been going about the wrong way. I've been trying to change these things about myself, and I must say, it's not easy.  However, I've discovered it's my day to day choices that allow my spirit to grow. I've never been good at praying either, but that has also developed in the past few months. I often look at those Christians who attend every church gathering, pray twice a day (everyday) and say things like, "Have a blessed day!" And I think to myself, I'm not ready for that. I still want to drink and party and have not-so-Christian-like fun, lol, (okay that part makes sense to me.) It just seems like a thin line. You get the extreme church goers, then the ones who only remember they're Christian on Sunday at 10am. So where exactly am I?
In the past few months, good things have happened when I've made commitments to God. He's giving me proof that he's there. I can't explain how, but I now believe he's there. The more I see how easy it is to be in line with his mercy and favour. I find myself wanting more of it, but at the same time, I still want to do the things that tear me away from him. It's hard. Very hard.


Why isn't it easy to be a good Christian? Surely this is why most people fall off the path. And am I the only one who struggles to read the Bible? I find it hard to even remember verses, but I can memorize  all the words in a rap song. It's strange.
My motto now is to drop one sin at a time. It's easier that way. I don't really think there's a true formula to being more like Jesus, but this is the best way I know how...