One step forward, Five steps back!

Okay, so I know I said I was going to move on, but now I feel like I'm stuck in a phase where I just keep going back and forth on the same thing. From one perspective- my friends think that I'm being an idiot. I acknowledge that sometimes when you're the one in a situation, you don't see how stupid you're acting, but at the same time, they don't know all the facts! (and maybe that's just an excuse). There's one thing about men that I really hate though... why do they string us along? They always know exactly what their intentions are, and they are also very aware of our emotions, but they play along and give us hope. They make us feel like they can fulfill all our dreams so they give us nothing but empty promises!!! Are they so heartless? Maybe. He tells me one thing and does the opposite. Am I supposed to act on his words- or his actions. It's all a big mess. How long am I going to be feeling like this? One thing is certain- whenever my phone rings I hope it's him. The irony. I don't understand why you'd send someone goodmorning and goodnight messages after a break-up. He wants me to know that he's thinking about me, but why? Because he still cares? Then why did he abandon me at the time I needed him most? Oh right- because he needed to make a decision that would put him first! Or why does he carry on calling me by the names he used to use while we were dating!! The worst is him telling me that he still loves me- then he goes on to give the excuses for why it won't work. What fuck'ery! What then, will anyone ever fight for, if they can't fight for the people they love? Arg. I want to scream. It's making me crazy. I want to call him and tell him I love him, but I want to rant and hate him. Maybe even throw in a smack or two! Does he even deserve my love? He did, afterall give up on us. I feel like I'm not good enough- oh, but I'm good enough to f*ck every once in a while! I guess if there's something I've learnt after all of this: no one will ever accept me the way I am. I have baggage. At some point I had thought that if I just bared it all, he'd see my openess as a way to bond. Well that totally back fired! Lesson learnt! My next relationship, I'll have to keep a lot of things to myself. Especially about my family. *sigh* I miss being in a happy place... I think I need a drink...